I thought that perhaps I had escaped unscathed from whatever nasty bug that Little C and Big C caught a few weeks ago, but it seems to have finally caught up with me. There is nothing worse than a fever and a flu when you are trying to work, be a mom, a good employee, let alone a functioning human being. That said, I really hope to be back to fighting form because right now all that I want to do is rent a hotel room for the day and sleep. I used to fantasize about doing that when Little C was an infant and I was super duper sleep deprived. I would imagine sleeping all day long in some lovely QUIET hotel room all alone. It never happened. And it’s not going to happen today. In fact, I’m currently at work trying to get some of the stuff done that I can not do from home so that I can head back to bed and rest. I HATE BEING SICK. It makes me feel awful and anxious and worse, I don’t get to go to the gym. Today marks day four of no gym and I sort of want to cry, or hide, or yes, run away to that lovely hotel room. I imagine that most parents have some secret place or dream that they think about escaping to when things get overwhelming. I wonder if hotels are a common theme or if I’m just boring. Perhaps I should start dreaming of escaping to an island in the Maldives or something a little more colorful than a nondescript hotel.
Times like these, when I’m sick, are when it feels the hardest to be a parent. I just want to be 100% all the time so that I can give my all. Days like today I barely have enough energy to get myself dressed or walk up the stairs to get to my office, so being able to be an awesome parent feels totally impossible to achieve, which in turn makes me feel worse. It’s like this nasty vicious cycle of feeling like crap physically, which in turn makes me feel like crap mentally, and the two just feed off of each other until I’ve somehow whirled myself into a mountain of despair. I know how silly that sounds, how melodramatic. And when I feel good all of this misery seems ridiculous in hindsight. But yeah. That is where I’m at today. Losing Grandpa really brought up so much about losing my dad that I think that is also still playing into how I’m feeling because generally even with a cold or flu I’m able to power through better than this. I just want to crawl into a hole and just cry for a while, since the hotel isn’t happening. Crying can be so cathartic and I spend a decent amount of energy fighting emotions and resisting crying. My physical therapy trainer is REALLY into healing and meditation and visualizations and he is constantly telling me to surrender and just “let it all out” but I’m stubborn and the idea of just letting go of control sounds reallllly awful. Like what if I cry forever and never stop? Obviously I know that that isn’t going to happen, that at some point it would subside and I would probably feel worlds better…but I guess I’m just not ready to do that quite yet.
So, instead, I’m going to try to focus on work while intermittently dreaming of my perfect hotel room, with it’s thick black out curtains, cozy bed, air conditioning, and silence. Ahhhhhhhh, silence. I’m also hoping to get back to posting more fashion-based stuff, but things have been so nutty that finding the time to take pics hasn’t been easy, and Big C has been traveling a lot for work. Nonetheless, just know that it is one of my goals to get you guys more of the fun fashion stuff, I have a ton of delightful pieces to share with you guys like some rad combat boots, pewter-colored leather moto pants (YUM), and other fall-forward goodies.